bella xo

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Coffee. Contemporary dance. Eating. Food policy. Italian culture. Ice hockey. Adele and the Gym Class Heroes. Tattoo art. Martha Stewart. Baking. Home: Upstate New York 585. Current: Piedmont 336.

At the end of the day, when I get home from work, I take my clothes off and I cuddle up next to you. I might go eat, but I always go back to nuzzle into you.

You are all I ever wanted.

I’m actually an extremely cuddly person, even though I hate being picked up. Mostly, I just need to have some sort of intimate or deeper level relationship with you to be cuddly.

Two years ago, I thought I was in love. The recipient of this love did not love me in the same way. He liked different types of people. And I was broken over the fact that I had cultivated that relationship so carefully - I put so much time into it.

I am an atheist. It occurred to me today that there are many misconceptions about atheists during one of my classes. (Of course I know that there are misconceptions about everyone, but directly at me.) People spoke about how we don’t care about religion or its’ validity and purpose, nor do we understand it. I put religion into a historical context. There was once a need and purpose for such a culture, but I do not see its’ purpose in my life. But I am still a moral being. I have moralsĀ ingrainedĀ in my humanity. I am loving. I am kind. I try to do no harm. I am trustworthy. I am ethical. I am humane. I am caring. I am understanding. I am accepting. I am respectful.

I am so ever passionately in love right now. Sometimes I question what is in front of me because of the face value of some disagreements we may have. But I have never questioned whether or not I should be with him in the past year, despite drastic and dramatic disputes. I want to build a life beyond college parties and late night study sessions with him. We want to share our lives with each other. We want the same things. I am so fortunate to have found him.

He compliments my mere existence in a room, with his physique, demeanor, attitude, and perspective. He is intellectual and wise. He carries a great deal of understanding and acceptance with issues that I am concerned with. We hold conversation on unique topics for hours. We both foster strong passions in similar things such as work ethic, leadership, management, and governance. He comforts me when I am distressed and cuddles me when I am needing personal attention. (This is extremely important because of the circumstances I am under with my various responsibilities. Personal attention is not just paying respect to my presence, but encouraging me to be comfortable in my space to act in any way that I want to, and do anything that I want to. It is invigorating and keeps me refreshed.) I can be my most vulnerable self, eye to eye and toe to toe with him. He is warm and kind. He is inviting and witty. He is comical and has good nature and intentions.

I am so in love with an amazing person.

I haven’t been on here in a long time. This is mainly due to my obsession with home decor and recipes on Pintrest. Regardless, I need to write.

I am currently in Webster. Thursday July 19 I left at 6:00 a.m. and was in Rochester by 9:00 a.m. for my friend Ryan’s funeral. Friday was the wake, which lasted from 1:30 p.m. - 10:30 p.m. and today was mass and the reception.

Ryan was an amazing, loyal, youthful friend. He was invincible, until now. He passed away on Tuesday July 17 a little after 8:30 p.m. after going into cardiac arrest on the prior Saturday morning. Over the course of time from when he was first found, he coded seven times. Seven.

I thought he was going to live. Ryan was a fighter. He also did, love a rousing fight against enemies, but I mean he was a survivor. He stood up for what he believed in, he stood up for his friends and loved ones, and always found a way out of the trickiest of situations. He was a gentleman, and I consider him to be one of the only true men I ever was close with.

He had a rough time through school; people just didn’t understand him. I am not too sure that I did either, but I did know that he was a great friend to me, so I didn’t care. He listened when I had problems, gave me advice when I had a crush on another boy, and always gave me that million-dollar smile to cheer up any bad day. He leaves such a distinct impression in my mind and my heart.

Today, I reminisced on the funnier times I had with him. He physically dug me out of a snow bank once at a party where I was driving people home from. Ryan drove the zambonie around the ice rink and would clean up the shit that they scraped off the ice. He helped his mother out at the concession stand, and ate all of the food he could get. He would play it smooth with the ladies at the rink, and always won over the hearts of the moms.

My favorite memory of him was probably the last time I saw him. I brought Justin up to New York with me to meet my friends and family, and to show him the beautiful place I grew up in and love so much. We went to Jamie’s one night and were all having a great time, but Ryan really befriended Justin. He welcomed him into the group and made him feel like a part of the crowd, (which is tough in a group of friends that are so close already.)

Ryan was part of my hockey boy family that I adored. They were all so cool to me, and I just wanted to be a part of their lives. They were hilarious, loved each other, ripped on each other, and had the most amazing time when they were all hanging out. Their parents all hung out and they all supported each other through everything. I would go see games with Ryan and Chad at different rinks all over town to support the high school team. They were both there with me when we won the State Championship.

My first funeral was Jamie’s father’s. Ryan and Donna took me. This is probably what breaks my heart the most. Ryan was a real man and supported me through that difficult time. I just wanted to show Jamie how much I cared about him, and from that day fourth, I fell in love with Jaim and his family. I wanted to be there for them and I appreciate every day how much Jamie taught me about growing up. And then there was Gregory. He was so young and so distraught. That day, he asked me: “Why is this happening?” This was also the day that I promised him I would never leave his side and I would always be there for him.

The only reason I could be there for Jamie and Gregory though, was because Ryan had helped me through the services and the funeral. I had never experienced someone close to me, passing away. I didn’t understand what to do, where to go, when to stand or when to sit, and what to say to the people who were so upset.

I thank Ryan for being there for me that day. They carted me around to each of the services, for two whole days. He let me cry on his shoulder and held me tight when I didn’t understand how this sort of thing could happen to such good people.

A year later, I attended Jamie’s grandfather’s funeral services. This time, I went with Chad’s family, but Ryan was still close by. He sat with us through the services and was there for me yet again when I felt helpless to Jaim & Greg.

Today, instead, I attended Ryan’s funeral with Jamie and Gregory. I love them both so much, and couldn’t imagine going with anyone else. My heart shattered when they took him away that last time. Donna was hysterical and Gregory just held me, now that he is finally taller than me. We cried on each other’s shoulders and I told them both how much I love them. I told all of the boys how much I love them.

I will forever miss Ryan, and always remember him for the amazing friend he was to everyone. <3